Breaking and Entering
by KaiserPhoenix92
Summary: A oneshot, based on Dane Cook's 'B&E'. Just Conner hanging out with Jack and having a little... fun. The first in a series of Conner-centric oneshots.


Since he was gone for 30 years, Conner missed out on a lot. Now that he's back, all he wants to do is spend time with his brother…and catch up on a few things. Unfortunately for Jack, Conner doesn't want to just 'hang out'; he wants to have what he calls fun and what everyone else calls idiocy.

Based off of a Dane Cook joke called 'B&E' from "Vicious Circle".

Disclaimer: I don't own Dane Cook or his jokes; and no, I don't own Jack, Conner, or any of the other Zoom characters… damn it.

A/N: I don't know if this'll be any good, so I'm sorry if it's not. I wanted to do a humorous songfic about Conner dealing with his return and everyone else dealing with him, but I couldn't find the right song. I will eventually, though, and if anyone has a song they think I could use, please tell me the name of it and I'll find the lyrics. Ok. Onto the story.

* * *

**B&E**

Since he was trapped in another dimension for 30 years, Conner had missed a lot. And now that he was back, he wanted to learn about everything he missed. They all understood that. Conner also wanted to do things that he wasn't able to do, even before he 'went Dark side' as he liked to put it. They understood that, too.

What they didn't understand was what he considered fun. Even Jack had a hard time understanding it, and he had grown up with him. But Conner had always been a little weird when they were kids.

Anyways.

Ever since Conner had escaped and been turned good again, he had been somewhat… eccentric. And hyper. Very, very hyper. When he wasn't sleeping, he was running around Area 52, exploring all the changes that had been made, going to the old hideouts that Larraby _still_ didn't know about, and conspiring with Pib.

At first, everyone was happy; Conner was going back to his old self. He was becoming normal again—as normal as he ever was, at least. But then it got annoying, especially since one of his favorite places to go was the Labs.

Conner tended to spend a lot of time in isolation nowadays.

And Jack was right there with him. At first, he had been ecstatic to spend time with his brother, goofing off just like they used do, even bringing Dylan into it sometimes. They had played pranks, made fun of Larraby, snuck out at odd hours of the night. But after a while, Conner began wanting to do… other things. Currently, one of those things was a B&E.

"You're kidding, right?" Jack asked, looking at his older—though he looked younger—brother like he was insane. Which, if Jack thought about it, he probably was. Jack didn't like to think about it.

"Should I be?" Conner shot back, grinning. He leaned forward from where he was sitting on the edge of his bed, Jack sitting in the computer chair across from him. "Jack, come on. It's not like it's gonna become an all-the-time thing. I just wanna do it just this one time."

"Conner… you _do_ know that's the sorta thing we fight against… right? We're the _good guys_. We can't just go doing B&E's… what _is_ a B&E, anyways?"

Conner's eyes lit up in amusement.

"Breaking and entering," he explained to his little brother. Before he could say anything else, however, Jack interrupted him

"Breaking and enter—really?! Conner, come on. We can't just go to random people's houses and break in. We don't do stuff like that. Besides… why do you have to drag me into this?"

Conner's smile widened and he laughed, running a hand through his hair.

"Because, Jackie," Conner began explaining, "whenever you do a B&E, you _always _have to bring someone that doesn't want to go. It's just how it is. Now you're either in or… or I won't make you my awesome sundaes anymore. Not even in the afterlife."

Jack gasped, eyes widening. He and Conner both had a thing for sundaes that no one got. His own were pretty good, but Conner's… there was no way of truly describing the awesomeness of Conner's sundaes.

Jack sighed in defeat.

"Fine; when do we do it?" Jack was sure Conner was cheering on the inside. And, if he looked carefully, it seemed that Conner's blue eyes had turned a yellow-ish orange. Right. The emotion thing…

"Great! We're going tonight. And don't worry; it's not some random house."

Jack sighed again.

"You really like isolation, don't you."

"'Course I do. Now, here's what I wanna do…"

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The two brothers had left at midnight after making sure the team was asleep. Jack and Conner had memorized the guard's routines a long time ago, so there was no need to worry about them. And Larraby was off base, so he wasn't a problem either.

At the moment, Jack and Conner were driving through a random neighborhood in a random town, Conner keeping an eye out for the perfect target.

"No," he muttered, "no… not that one… there! It's perfect! Ok, Jack, go park 16 blocks away."

Jack gave him a look but said nothing. He really didn't want to know what was going on in his brother's mind anymore.

As soon as Jack parked (16 blocks away, of course), Conner hopped out, smiling. He motioned to Jack and together, the two of them began their adventure in the dead of night.

"C'mon, Conner, think about this," Jack pleaded. "You have any idea how much trouble we'll both be in if we get caught?"

"Yeah," Conner said with an evil grin. "I'm counting on it."

"Why even do this?"

"Because," Conner said more seriously, "it's my new mission. And I always finish my missions."

After he said that, it was silence for the most part. There was the occasional bark or meow, not to mention crickets. It was… peaceful, to say the least. Except, as they walked, Jack's breathing seemed to get heavy and loud. Conner stopped and turned around, giving Jack a look.

Finally, he said, "I don't know what that means, but I'm doing it."

They began walking in silence again towards the house. Everything was fine. Nothing was going wrong. That was when they came upon a chain-link fence.

For Conner, getting over it was a piece of cake; he was, after all, still young. But for Jack, however… well, Jack was old. So naturally he was going to have problems.

"Damn it!"

Conner paused, debating whether he should look back or not. "What?"

"I'm caught!"

Conner slapped his face and turned back around to help his brother. Sure enough, Jack's shirt was caught on the fence. Conner walked up to him and yanked the shirt free; Jack quickly inspected the damage.

"This was my favorite shirt," Jack whined, looking at the hole in the side.

Conner gave him a mock-glare, "Well, you shouldn't be wearing your favorite shirt on a B&E, then. You wear your second favorite shirt, duh."

They finally made it to the walkway that lead up to the perfect house. Conner's heart began beating faster, pounding in his ears with every step. He started to sweat as he inched closer and closer. He looked at the house determinedly; this was it.

"Wait!"

Conner stopped.

"I think I hear a car!"

Conner turned to look at Jack. "Yeah, and the world's full of them. You're going to hear a lot of them for the rest of your life." He was about to start towards the house when he turned back to Jack. "If you hear a whale, that's weird. You can tell me that. Then I'll stop."

Conner rolled his eyes and carefully crept up the porch steps, taking a deep breath. He looked back at Jack, paused then laughed and kicked the door off its hinges. He watched, amazed, as the door went out of sight. The brothers' eyes were wide.

It was then that Conner realized, as he took two steps into the house, that it wasn't a B&E that he wanted to do. He had dragged his brother out in the middle of the night when he could be sleeping, only to realize that the urge that ran through his body was not to do a B&E.

It was to kick down a door.

Conner was filled with excitement and energy now. So full of it, in fact, that he ran up to the closet door and kicked that open, too. It disappeared out of sight.

Conner ran back to his brother, laughing. "Let's get outta here!"

"Yeah, yeah!" Jack agreed, and they quickly ran the 16 blocks to the car.

While they drove back to where they had hidden the ship, Conner had only one thing on his mind: What the hell had he just done to that family?

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A/N2: Ok, if you've heard the B&E joke, then you'll know what the last line means. If not, go ask someone that has heard it, or go buy "Vicious Circle". And I know that Jack is a little OOC, but that's what makes it funny. Conner, though, no one really knows what he was like before he turned, or what he was like after. This is how I picture him sometimes. So, with that being said, please review. Oh, one last thing. I'm making a series of one-shots about Conner's little adventures, so be on the look out ;)


End file.
